3: Free Fall...

He could feel the air around him, and the silence was a rush by itself. There he was hanging off the edge of the opening of that small plane, ready to take the biggest plunge of his life, jump 15000ft, and experience life, as all the brochures had put it! They had been through the security instructions easily a hundred times, but Raghav had heard enough, he had been waiting a while for this sky diving experience and he wanted to rely on his instincts to guide him through it! He was not one to over think anything; in fact his friends would go as far as to say, he never thought through much at all. He was not reckless or irresponsible, but he was daring and energetic …all wrapped up into one slightly overweight, average height twenty one year old. This was his year off, he was taking a break in between his course, his undergraduate degree in human psychology and animal behavior, much to the dismay of his parents, but he said he needed this to get an idea of what he was supposed to do with his life after this degree. He knew this was rubbish, he even knew if someone else were giving him that same story he would have laughed at them so hard, before he proceeded to discourage them from such an idea. But Raghav was sure, he needed this. He had been studying human behavior and intelligence patterns when he had come to this decision one day.. He was getting so saturated, in over his head with theory after flawed theory that he needed to get out of his head and ‘live’ a bit.

So there he was, doing the thing that action and travel books were made off and before he made his way back home to India, he was going to have two wild weeks in the US, where he had come to study and ‘prosper’.

Sky diving was number five on the list. He had already done the first four! He had eaten sushi, this was a big deal because he was a strict vegetarian and had gotten a piercing, his eyebrow, nothing that creepy, and had climbed a lesser known hill, and roughed it out in the wilderness for five days. Again not a big deal for the average person. Except, Raghav was blind...

He had been since he was four years old, and had handled his ‘challenge’ with maturity and a great attitude. Very few people even remembered he was blind, and hardly anyone would show him the kind of pity that was usually handed out to people with such disabilities. Raghav had been an interesting and interested learner through school and although difficult to survive in mainstream schools in India, he had managed, and well. His parents were both working individuals and had done the best thing they could for their son, not make his disability the focus, the beginning and end of a normal life. Raghav had taken up psychology as his key interest and had always been very good at what appeared to be hearing ‘body language’. It was true that where you lost one sense, the others heightened, and Raghav had a natural ability.

He was taking this year off, to improve his skills, he said. He was going back home, and was planning on travelling through India to study ‘study patterns’ and general behavioral patterns of children between the ages of 9-15… among other things. But mostly he was taking the advice of a dear friend. One who had come to stay with him and his family three years ago, at his house, and had been the sister and friend he had never had. Mali-akka, sounding almost like Malika, had been one of the many reasons he took up psychology. She fascinated him and angered him all at once! She was the only person Raghav envied for having her eyesight and was amazed at how she could tell him a story or take him on walks near the beach with Saibu (the family’s pet) and describe every sight with details that would have never been noticed by anyone with eyesight, or teach him something new.. Like how to sculpt clay into any form he ‘saw’ in his mind. She had come at a time, when Raghav needed to be reminded that anger was not an answer. He had always been patient with himself, but at the time he was going through a slightly harder period at school with his disability and she had come almost as if to help him.

The day she left she gave Raghav a clay sculpture she had made... It was shaped like a pyramid, with grooves across its surface, and coloured threads wound around it. She said it represented the colours he could not see, but would learn to ‘feel’, and when ever he felt he was ready to feel them, and to experience being able to see them, that he should find her. The pyramid like figure was him, bound by what he longed to see, but what he could not, and how that thought was limiting him! She had said, he only had to write to her and she would take good care of him. At the time, he was a bit skeptical. The concept was too abstract, but he held that gift in his hand, and felt it against his skin, and knew that this would be with him for life.

And so now three years later, when he was struggling to be the best he could be, and not quite being able to tell why, he remembered Mali’s gift. He had written to her and sure enough she was ready to meet him, and check on her dear 'brother', and help him...

Raghav counted to ten… and jumped! He could not even feel the man strapped on and helping him… he gave into the experience… and let the feeling take over him. What a rush!

2. Listens to her head..

Kirtana and Maliha, reached home after an hour long drive. The drive back had been a mix of awkward conversations and stating the obvious, as was customary of all first-time, in-person conversations. Kirtana had shown Mali some parts of the city as they drove to ‘Magnolia’, the name of the apartment complex ‘Kit’ lived in. It had just rained the evening before Mali had arrived and today the sun was out, and the weather was just right, pleasant and sunny, the kind of weather most people expected of the city. Mali had commented on how strange it felt to be back in a big city again... to which Kirtana made a joke about how, the ‘city’ was getting undone as it was getting done - pointing to all the roads that had been dug up or flooded in the rain.

Mali was delightful; she was everything Kirtana had expected her to be, and more. Kirtana instantly found how Maliha could make people feel at ease around her, and that is what made her behave even more strangely around her. She was determined to make the best first impression. But there was a part of her that could not help wondering why she needed Mali’s approval!

Kirtana had just celebrated her 27^th birthday about a month ago. Well celebrated was a stretch! She had had a rough year on the personal front. For the first time in her life she had found a man who she felt she loved. This had happened very suddenly two years ago, where all such love stories begin, at a party, a friend of a friend of a friend…Well it ended badly! They wanted different things, correction: he did not want what she did, and so they had a bad ending to what seemed like a good relationship. Now as all break ups go, it is never easy, but Kirtana had been affected a lot more than she realized. There was a part of her that stopped trusting her own judgments; it was as though she was punishing herself for not seeing a bad man hiding in the guise of the man she thought she loved.

This break up, also served as a wake-up call. Kirtana had not been happy in her relationship, and she was not happy with her job and she was not happy in life. All her planning had not taken into account this crucial ingredient to making a good life for herself. She always felt like something was missing…

Kirtana celebrated this birthday, making lofty promises to herself. She had always been a person in control of a situation. She had very early on in life learnt that she could be prepared for any situation if she organized her life. She had been a great student through school and college and good at everything she did, but she could never quite shake the fact that she was at some level quite... dull! She was not spontaneous at all, and that made her come off as rigid and a bit serious. What helped her get the attention she always got...at first of course, were her striking good looks. Kirtana had the grace of a dancer. In her eyes though, she was quite ordinary, but to the rest of the world that saw her, she was a girl that always got the second look.

Kirtana had always been self conscious; to her nothing was ever good enough about herself. And so that made her try very hard... try to be many things she was not.

She had a theory about herself. She felt her timing was always just a tiny bit off... she was always at the right place, but just a little bit early, maybe it was because she had everything planned so perfectly! She thought no one ever gave her the kind of attention she wanted. She always thought her friends liked her more when she was not around, in her absence her ‘presence’ was more appreciated than when she was actually around…or so she believed! This theory lent heavily to why she let herself seem boring ” why try anyway?” she thought!

She had promised herself that this was going to be a year of new beginnings. Her birthday was always a day that she made big resolutions! She was going to learn to be Kirtana, she was going to find a way to be at peace with the voices in her head! She was going to learn how to have fun… and in turn learn to be fun!

And she would do this with a little help from Maliha...only Mali did not know it yet!

So if you are reading this (thank you!) you are probably wondering what this blog title is about. Why a seemingly normal girl (if you know me or have read my profile) would choose to title her blog so. Well, I can explain it this way. As I see it pretty much everything and everyone around me , and for that matter you, is driven by one of these two sentiments. So no matter what I will ever talk about, it will always come down to something that was done to go after happiness or satisfaction or just not! It is my idea of simplifying the way I think of thoughts (yes think of thoughts), actions, intentions behind anything. And I am one for 'word plays'. So yes I like that my blog can sound like something (a book) we are already familiar with :)

So in this blog I will share with you a story I am writing.. its a story where the characters , events and situations are all derived from my own life. Enjoy :) and I would like your help and suggestions in building this story.. :)

understand that this story is not true, its just an escape.. and completely a figment of my imagination :)