Apathy and Ecstasy: July 2010

Over the edge..

16. Killer View!

There is a difference between doing what you love, and loving what you do. The former is an active stance while the latter is passive. One is a goal , an energy that fuels your search for being a part of something you can feel passionate about, while the other is a result, it is acquired over time and experience and is usually a sense of respect called as love for what one does… or at least this was what Kirtana was telling Manu over lunch. They were going through large amounts of food that was being piled up on their plates, and going through it rather hungrily, nothing like spicy set meals and good conversation, they could almost hear the cheesy jingle music in the background. The sun was out and the roads were drying up and among other odd things happening that day, Manu and Kit were finally getting along. Manu sans Monkey was making a great impression on Kirtana, and she found herself interested to know him better. And the best part was that they were not getting to know one another with a single ulterior motive. Neither one was attracted to the other in that conventional boy-meets-girl-goes-gaga way! It was innocent and yet stimulating, and for the first time in months Kirtana did not think about Anish. Ah! What a relief, what a breath of fresh air, like a vacation from that side of her brain. She was soaking it up.

Manu and her spent close to six hours together that day. They talked about a lot of things, and it was clear this was the beginning of a sound friendship. Manu finally broached the subject, that had got them together in the first place. “You know Kirtana, I had a dream last night… and it seems like a sign… I think I know what my next play is going to be about!”…”But I still wish you would dance in it? I know you have the classical training, and you know how none of my actors are ever your typical full time actors. They are all regular people.. who have their regular 9 to 5 stuff.. I want you to consider! Please! I was also thinking how I could get your advice and help, if you wouldn’t mind, on the set design. Seeing you onsite today, and looking at your home, you really know your stuff…you have great taste…or rather our tastes match!”…”don’t say anything now…think about it, I’ll give you another two days…and let’s see where we can go from there!”

“okay.. okay Manu.. I will think about, and nice one throwing in that little compliment! I’m onto you..” she winked..”but yeaah… I never considered set design… you might have a point there Manu..I can’t believe I’m saying this, but I am so happy we met!”she laughed!…they were getting home together. Considering how close they lived to one another…”so I was thinking…on another subject, about throwing a small party for Maliha. Her birthday.. and yours… is just a few days away, and I think it would be a great chance to introduce her to some people and you know find out who she’s been hanging out with as well…I’m thinking we invite… everyone we each know, and ask them to get a plus one…not like a date or anything, just another person..and build a crowd. I feel Mali might be really into something like that!”....WAIT…hold on…she had just said ‘we’… it had been a day and she was pluralizing with him, Manu smiled as he thought this…”Great! I’m in! I think a good theme for this party would really help…what do you say, too corny? Or do we have something?”

“Corny, but it will work. Maliha is one of those ‘no boundaries’ kind of people, she makes no judgment and sees only the best parts of everything… so yeah.. a theme just reeks of Mali! But nothing ridiculous… I’m not going to go totally crazy either..but I will leave the theme up to you both, considering its your birthdays’ and all…

She pulled up at Magnolia, and they parted ways, after a quick hug and promise to catch up on the party planning later.. Kirtana was happy today. She was smiling and had a bounce in her step and everything, she was feeling quite content with her new friendship. The week had gotten off to a good start…she had almost put the slightly embarrassing incidents form last week behind her.. Almost..

She reached the floor to her apartment.. and could see the door to her house was open… Raghav sat on a sofa, looking a little pale and alarmed, and Kit’s neighbours were making hurried phone calls..what had happened?? Kirtana felt this panic rise inside her, and ran to Raghav..”what happened? Where’s Maliha? What is going on???” she said..” Mali’s had an accident…” he said, speaking robotically. The neighbor piped in“ She’s alive, but she’s not yet out of the woods, she might have some broken bones , hopefully no serious head injuries..She’s in the hospital now!”…Raghav looked towards Kirtana, and struggled with his next words…”I..I think I pushed her over the ledge of the balcony…!”

This would be the second time that day where she would have to say and hope that the doctor tending to Maliha, was doing what he loved…and would save her friend from any serious harm, for if he was doing what he loved, he would do it right.

Kirtana looked at Raghav, dazed and scared…wondering what kind of person she had let into her home and her life…!

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Seeing is believing..

15. Of rejecting and accepting reality..

Kirtana had left for work and Raghav and Maliha were left to entertain themselves through the rainy and windy day, and they did not mind a bit. It gave them ample time to catch up. Raghav was sitting on one of Kit’s ornamental chairs, it looked great, but was not even close to comfortable, so Mali helped him up, and got him on another chair. “So my baby bro..” she said endearingly, “How have you been? How has life in the US been treating you? And why did you pierce your eyebrow? That looks like it might have hurt a lot!!”

“haha… well yes it did, but it takes the attention away from my eyes now doesn’t it! And life’s been great Mali, I mean I have a great time at University, and my course is challenging and crazy at times…and I mean it literally, considering I’m a psych student! Its brilliant fun…got to travel quite a bit over the last few weeks, did this camping trip, and you know how that country can be really good to the ‘disabled’ if they have to be…might be one of the main reasons I went to study there.”

“My friends are nothing short of amazing, and we are really just a mixed bag…of nuts. Oh.. and I met this completely nutty girl on the plane, turns out she goes to the same University, she’s doing this bad girl bald headed chick in a jazz band routine, who is a geeky scientist by day, fun stuff! Might ask her out sometime..” If you did not know Raghav, you would think he was a bit of a cocky guy for talking this way, but Maliha knew he meant no harm, it was just his way of saying he was comfortable enough around you to let his guard down, and talk a like a ‘dude’. She let him go on…”okay so I think that about sums up the fluffy stuff…you know why I’m here. Mali it just that off late I find that everything I do is a sham, like I’m pretending it’s okay that I can’t see anything, that I can’t be ‘normal’, that somehow my disability is going to give me some depth in my profession, I’m going crazy… I just want to scream, run out of my head or punch something. And If I don’t get help I think I might just do something I will regret!”

“Wow… calm down.. why all this, why all of a sudden?? What changed between now and say even two years ago?? You were okay right, you were dealing with this with a lot of maturity, so why lose it now? What changed?” said Mali, trying not to sound too alarmed.

“Nothing changed Mali, that’s the worst part, I’ve always felt like this. I guess as a kid I did not make such a big deal out of it, because well I had a limited scope to express it, maybe I just did not have the words! but now, now that I’ve seen.. I mean I know how much I’m missing out… I feel so angry!!! I hate this darkness, this miserable darkness that I cannot shake, and that I want to so badly! I read so much, theory upon theory about mental health and therapy for the disabled, but if I can’t convince myself out of this, how am I ever going to be any good at helping anyone else?!”

“okay so.. that’s what it is..” Mali said, almost whispering. “so what did you come back for? What did you think would happen if we met? You thought you could get some quick fix from me…?” she said more angrily than she was…to make Raghav understand, she was willing to help, but was not happy about him doing this with life

“No I am not Mali, but you said I could come to YOU, you said if I ever needed your help. And I’ve come. I want to find something that will help me get over this, so that I can help people get over their problems, I have to be able to practice what I preach right?” said Raghav….

They sat in silence, as Maliha thought about this. How would she help him? How could she help him??

Pondering another subject was Rita. Rita was sitting at her desk - her day job as a shop manager, for a clothing store; her ‘other’ job was acting in plays. She’d been especially good in Manu’s play, and she was finally feeling good about herself again. She had been suffering from what she liked to think perpetual heart break and self-pity. She had defined that to a be a condition where she felt rejected by anything and everyone she knew. And she knew that the worst part of feeling that sort of existent or non-existent rejection was not being ignored or let down, but was having that thing you were hoping for, that good feeling taking birth inside you as a result of having invested your heart and soul (not necessarily in totality) in that situation or feeling, snatched away, beaten or crushed, smashed to a million pieces, where all that was left was a total lack of hope, a big gaping void, that needed to be filled by something…new…something ‘good’ to look forward to.

Initially Rita had filled that void with food, she had gained a ton of weight, and if she felt rejected before, she felt worse now. Her wardrobe was rejecting her body, her heart would have rejected her body too and who knows, if she had continued on that path, she would have been forced to reject herself in the living state. She had an epiphany one night… She had been getting back home pretty upset as usual… and of course there had been food and drink involved... this was before she began acting in plays. She was being driven, reluctantly, by a friend of a friend, who also had probably had more than she should have that night. They were getting to Rita’s house, and since it was late, they skipped a signal. Not realizing how fast they were going, and that 10 feet ahead was another car taking a u-turn they crashed right into that car that night…..The girl driving Rita’s car never saw the next day, the girl in the other car would never walk again. But Rita? She walked away without a mark. Rita had been consumed by her self-pity and so called multiple heart breaks, this was a sum total of pretty standard school and college experiences. Now she realized, she had been spared, she was given a chance to survive this accident and in that she had received the best ‘acceptance’ ever. It negated every rejection she ever felt bad about. And from that day on…she had decided to change her silly ways. It was time to wake up, grow up and take charge of her circumstances! She dropped some weight…she gave a 100% at her job, well...jobs.. and finally quit this sickening lethargy with which she had been living with, this ‘oh me!..Poor me!’ routine.. and not only was it refreshing for her…her whole ‘world’ started responding to it! Not to mention the standing ovation she got at the play! What she was thinking about though…were the girls whose lives had been sacrificed during her great realization. She quietly shed a tear for them both, before tending to a customer..

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Rooftop ragas...

14. Manu’s midnight wonderings..

Manu lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling. The trees below swished in the breeze, and lights faded in and out and cast shadows in his room. It had been a long and interesting day, interesting because he had started that same day wondering about Kirtana, only to meet her a few hours later. It all seemed too good to be true. He wanted to get to know her better. This woman had something to her…

Monkey lay in his box, lined with soft cloth and light padding, he had made it his ‘bed’, and he was sleeping, or so Manu thought. Manu felt himself fall asleep…feeling the heaviness of his eyelids and the immense comfort of his bed and its covers envelope him in a cocoon of dreams and sound sleep…

Manu dreamt often. He had dreams about being in a boat in the middle of a lake, and when he looked below, he could see a large dark body, just below the surface, coming swiftly towards his boat, rocking it from underneath. He would wake up with a start, feeling almost as though he had just surfaced form the water. Other times he dreamt, he was on his way to an event and had to encounter so many delays, that he, in his dream, felt doomed never to reach his destination. At times he had far more pleasant dreams, and other times he woke up feeling as though he had been listening to some loud song all night, and he had a weird echo in his head, that every little sound jarred, like as though he had kept his head too close to loud speakers all night. But Manu loved his dreams. He felt that since he had them and remembered them; he was deeply in touch with his soul… everyone’s allowed their theories.

Manu dreamt that night too… it began with him, walking on the roof of his building…the cold wind of the night blew on his face and he felt his eyes water with the chill of the breeze. Not far from where he stood, was an old record player… there was tune playing on it, ever so faintly at first, but then as he approached it the beats grew louder…it was a tune with a combination of percussion and string instruments…it was his dream, it did not make complete sense…but then he realized, two girls were at the far end of the roof. Both were dancing, there was no definite style or routine they were following, they both moved together yet separately to the music, one with graceful movements and gestures, the other moving with odd jerks and movements as though rooted to one spot, and moving only her arms and shoulders. He could not make out their faces but watched as they danced, not stopping for a moment…he was moved and alarmed by their performance…

He woke up the next morning with that tune haunting him. He was in a trance…awake but not yet functional in ‘reality’….the phone rang, just as Manu was trying work out the meaning of his puzzling dream…”Hello..” he said, still half asleep..”Good Morning Manu…it’s Kirtana. Sorry to call you so early… did I wake you? I wanted to catch you before I head out for work..” said Kirtana. “No Kirtana, you didn’t wake me, go ahead..”

Kirtana told him, she had thought about his ‘proposal’. What she did not tell him was how Maliha had nearly challenged her to take on Manu. She relented and softened up, and decided to embrace this idea, and not resist it the way she usually would, before Maliha had come.

She also told Manu that he could start ‘following’ her around as early as today. He told her that he was not really too bothered about following her, but he did want to get to know her, so he could profile her, understand the unique aspects of her character. She laughed when he said this.. but accepted.

Just before going off she made two suggestions, one that he meet her for lunch at a popular restaurant not far from her office and two that they give serious thought to planning a birthday party for Mali…and him! He laughed this time, and accepted.

He was ready by noon, and sat down to gather his thoughts before he left. Each time he had the seed of an idea for a story or play he wrote it down, and circled it. He would make many such circles, before connecting them all into one ‘masterpiece’. He took out his notepad…and wrote the words..”One girl, two realities..” and circled it, as he headed out to meet Kirtana..a seed of an idea was rooting itself in his mind, a combination of the eerie dream and the not so chance meeting with Kit, had proved inspiring…Manu was about to write his best work yet!

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The pathology of sadness..

13. Why Mira had come home…

Mira was playing her flute beautifully, the music had a way of making the listener feel sad and happy all at the same time, reaching into that part of your mind that had memories that were an intersection of bitter and sweet…and coaxing those memories to play one after another to the sound of the music. There is always a certain amount of perception that is left to the one who listens, but this feeling was always the basis of ‘enjoying’ the music.

Mira had a twin sister; they were like most twin sister’s thick as thieves and did everything together. Her name was Nisha… and she was Mira’s mirror image. Until they had started to drift apart off late. Mira had started to notice her sister disconnect, become a different, unidentifiable person. And Mira felt disturbed by how her sister was withdrawing not just from her but from her family too. Mira’s parents had called her home as a last ditch attempt, to get Nisha to open up about what was happening and see if she could talk some sense into the once chirpy, energetic soul! Mira could not say no to this call for help, and just like Raghav decided she would take some time off to see what was happening back home and help mend whatever bridges had been broken or burnt. It was a big move, taking time off, but family came first and Mira wanted to help her sister. She had no idea what to expect when she got home that day… but she did catch a glimpse of the old Nisha, when she gave her a hug. Nisha looked tired, and thinner than she used to. She had been working hard at college she said. She had decided to stay back in India, to do a degree in Engineering. Both had a flair for science. They also had a wonderful artistic side that their parents nurtured, thus making them well-rounded girls. Nisha had been ill the past few days, down with a flu and so that also explained why she looked so run down. She did seem happy to see Mira though, and the two, went off to Nisha’s room to talk.

“Nish..you’ve changed your room?” Nisha’s room was usually an explosion of too many things, apart from the usual pile of clothes on the bed and floor, it was almost always a mess, with posters and pencil drawings on the wall… and tons of terracotta pots all over the place. Nisha had a potter’s wheel in her balcony, and she made at least a dozen pots a month, experimenting in size, shape and symmetry. And of course her keyboard.. Which she hardly ever touched . Now her room looked like the ghost of the previous version, tamed and restricted, the walls all painted over. The clothes back in the cupboard, the pots all stacked up on the shelf she had fixed to a wall. And the potter’s wheel covered from not being used for a while. Her keyboard was now on a stand, neatly arranged on one side of her room. This looked like she had been playing, which was a change, but was that a good sign? Mira’s mum knew she was healthy. Meaning to say there was nothing wrong with her, but she did know that her daughter was behaving differently, and it had been getting worse for the few months… what had happened to her once exuberant daughter? Mira was thinking this same thing about her sister.

Before Mira could say anything else, Nisha said “so you came back to talk some ‘sense’ into me? Mom and dad would have been telling you all about how I’m ‘different’ these days?... Mira I’ll tell you now, you are wasting your time, and you should not have come back!”… Mira did not know if her sister was being hostile or sarcastic or just honest.. she let Nisha finish..” I’ve just withdrawn from life, because… well I’m just… bored! Did you ever stop to think that?? You all immediately assume there is something ‘wrong’ with me!”

“Arrgggh..stop looking at me like I’m going to explode or something…fine!! Do you want to know ??? well…I’m not sure how it happened, but I just started to pull back off late! My friends at college, we used to have great time, we are all so close. But suddenly I just can’t bring myself to have any fun anymore. I’m bored and dull, and slowly as I withdraw from everyone, everyone is withdrawing from me.. I can’t explain why it’s happening. But it is…. Aaaah!(she was pacing the floor, and ranting, gesturing angrily) okay maybe I do need your help!!!!But how do you help someone like me…I’m not the one who….forget it..!!!”

“And no I’m not heart broken or suicidal, but yes I might be a little depressed. But I cannot say how this happened…Mira…” she had been speaking very angrily till then, and now it was as though her voice cracked, she broke down…and the tears began to flow. “Mira, it’s like I’m sad about life, I find myself bored with everything and unwilling to really try or do anything…a-and it might have something to do with Riya, you know she was in car accident 3 months ago? I told you about this”…”her spine was crushed in the accident, and now my friend, the girl I would do everything with, is paralyzed from the waist down… “

Mira let her sister cry in her arms. She could not understand why she could not have told any of this to their mother, but there was something about opening up to someone your own age, at your own level that made the difference, plus Nisha would have felt like she was talking to herself, just looking into the eyes of her twin, both things she was used to.

Nisha went on to open up about the incident and her feelings after it had happened. She told Mira, how the accident had happened, Riya had been driving one evening, back from a common friend’s place, and had just dropped Nish back home. When she was taking a turn at a signal, an SUV driven by a drunk driver, came swerving, fast and out of control, ramming her car on the side, sending the car skidding five feet into a lamppost, that crushed the driver’s side with Riya in it. Riya had been in a coma for a week, and thereafter had been declared paralysed due to severe damage to her vertebrae. Nisha was devastated, she felt partly responsible, if it was not for her, Riya would not have been driving on that road.. and every day she thought this, and felt her friend’s pain as though it were her own...slowly pulling herself away from all things Riya could not do, punishing herself. And so Nisha had begun to live life as though she was paralysed… and in a sense she was. She was frozen in her sadness, and this had given her no real reason to do anything, because for one she was missing her other best friend and two, she had decided that just when you get too happy, find yourself feeling free and unrestricted with everything within your reach, something comes along, to put a mountain in your path, to make you feel angry and yet empty, and take away from you the spirit of trying. And Nisha was here, at the base of that mountain, camping there in silence, agonizing over the plight of her dear friend, not even really living any more.

Mira’s parents had been right to call her back. She had been told this story, but how badly it was eating at her sister, and her absolute refusal to talk to her parents meant that the only person who could help, was here. Mira would need to think about how to help her sister…

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Mira on the roof..

12. Flute songs..

Maliha reached her room first. Kirtana was getting up and what she saw was a little monkey sitting in the balcony watching her as she did that. Mali smiled and looked at the little devil; he had a small pink face and a nice silvery coat, and a long swishing tail that seemed to have a life of its own. He was quite chubby for a monkey and very clean. Definitely a pet…she made some typical sounds to call to him, get his attention, and he came after some careful speculation. She looked at his collar, and saw the words, ‘Call 9900.... if found.. .’.

She was thinking about the other occasions someone would have found him and had to make this call… and how ridiculous the conversation would have been…”Errrr I have your monkey, I mean well.. he just landed up at my house, care to take him back?? Or… did you know you monkey’s in my house now, you lunatic…what’s the big idea??”… Maliha picked up the phone, punched in the number… “…hello?” said a voice…Maliha began ‘Sir, I am Yoe Wong, I believe your monkey found its way to my home.. and it is custom in my Chinese village to sacrifice the animal if it comes to your home before noon and drink his brains… for breakfast. I was hoping to get your blessing and thank you for sending me this monkey. In my family this bring good luck’… she was pretending to be a Chinese monkey eater, and had put on the perfect accent… Kirtana was laughing so hard she was almost in tears…and looked at the poor monkey who was now staring from one to the other, trying to make sense of the two puzzling creatures before him. “NOOOO!” Screamed Manu..”That monkey is my pet! You will NOT eat him and I will NOT bless you??!!… What kind of person are you, where are you??!! Tell me now, I will come over there and take him. If you touch one hair on that monkey I will have you arrested so fast, you’ll be packed off to whichever Chinese village you came from, don’t mess with me…!!!” he said as harshly as he could… Maliha burst out on the phone…”wow, relax, we are just messing with you. Your monkey is safe, can’t say the same about roommate though, care to come and collect your pet anytime?? How about right now? We live at….”…Mali said. Manu sighed heavily..”I’ll be over soon… keep him safe till then!” he barked on the phone, clearly annoyed by the call.

The bell rang 20 minutes later and Maliha got the door… Manu took Monkey immediately and softened up a bit, on seeing Maliha. “Kirtanaaaa!” screamed Mali… she was calling to her. “ the monkey’s owner’s here, come say hello..”. Kirtana emerged from her room moments later. And stopped in her tracks. “You!!”

Half an hour later, they were sitting like civilized people, but the moments leading up to that were not so civil. Kit had looked about ready to strangle Manu, but Manu’s face had softened entirely… they were both talking simultaneously, and Maliha was confused by what was going on. Finally they took turns in explaining what had happened today and a few days before. And Maliha arbitrated. They made peace and sat down for a cup of coffee… Maliha was not sure why Kit was so aggressive about his ‘advances’ earlier, well yes he was a little dramatic, so what??

Manu began talking to Maliha, and they discovered they had a lot in common, including a birthday that was a week away!! Maliha had been wanting to have a get together of all the people she had met this past week or two… but she was still thinking about. Kirtana was beginning to feel just a tiny bit left out as the two of them gabbed away about art and film school… but she just sipped at her coffee.. she had had more to drink than eat this morning.. and wait a minute where was Raghav!?

Maliha looked at Kit as though she had read her thoughts…”Raghav’s sleeping Kirtana.. jet lag remember? So Manu, what play is it that you want our Kit to be a part of..” also sensing Kit’s sudden detachment from their conversation so far..

Manu blushed slightly..shockingly! He went on..” it’s not that I have a plan, but when I saw Kirtana at the restaurant, sitting there… something came over me, the poise, and the grace that she herself seemed so unaware that she was exuding… was well… just irresistible. I want to use her as my inspiration at the very least.. if only she would let me?”…he added, not so subtly.

Kirtana said..”Manu how would you be inspired by me? What? would you follow me around, you and your monkey… hoping to find some mundane activity of mine ridiculous enough to make a story out of?”…she said laced with a little bit of sarcasm… Manu responded..” well yes! And no! yes I would love to follow you around, but no I don’t think anything anyone does is mundane! It’s all… well how you pull it off!”

Mali stepped in.. “Kit what about it… how much harm could it do you.. let Manu study you for a few days? Either he finds what he’s looking for… or well he gets out of your way.. correct Manu? Give it a shot Kit, giving in can be fun at times, trust me… and besides Manu seems like quite the gentleman, right Manu? I trust you will treat my Kit with the respect she deserves?” Mali delivered this by simultaneously challenging Kit and Manu, making sure both knew what had to be done, and how it was harmless yet, something to be careful while doing.

Kit said she would think about it, and call Manu back later that day.

About an hour’s drive from where Mali, Kit , Manu and Monkey sat nibbling at biscuits and drinking their second cup of coffee.. Mira was sitting on the terrace of her house… she had made herself a small hideaway on the top, covered by a roof, to keep the rain away, but open from all sides.. the four poles holding the roof up, were painted with various designs, nothing regular, just random scribbling’s of a then expression starved teenager! She now looked at this space, three years wiser, smiling knowingly… yet feeling the familiarity of those insecurities and dreams and how she had come up here when she felt her little house was stifling her dreams. She often played her flute here. Since she had gotten so good, no one ever objected, and she tried to write her own melodies and tunes. Her parents had been shocked to see their daughter bald headed, even though they had seen pictures and spoken to her using the webcam, seeing her in the flesh made it more ‘real’. They let Mira get away with mostly anything actually… and this would be one of them. So Mira sat down , took out her flute and began to play… all the while thinking of the boy on the plane. She was also thinking about why she had come back home! And that was more complicated..

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Monkey's business

11. Manu’s monkey business

Manu and his monkey were always a spectacle. How many people kept a monkey for a pet? And got away with it in an apartment complex? How they met was an equally amusing story….

Manu was a good person, he genuinely cared about people and wanted to help them, lend a ear to their problems, but a year ago he realized that listening to so much negativity was beginning to affect his ability to write. His creative juices were running dry... sapped by the never ending complaining and venting he took in from his friends, acquaintances and well... just about anyone. Poor Manu, stuck between hell and a really hard place (meaning he could not bring himself to stop them, nor could he tolerate it for himself any longer) decided he would have to be creative(naturally) and deflect all the negativity that came to him by keeping something so distracting on his person, that people would immediately forget why they had come to talk to him and instead focus on that… slightly farfetched and a little wasteful and indirect as the plan was, Manu decided this could be achieved by keeping an interesting pet… Manu had gone to a park one day. He was there to escape a particularly annoying ‘neighbor aunty’, who had been literally banging on his door since 6 in the morning to vent about a servant who had been stealing washing soap and salt from her every week. She wanted to devise a plan to catch her ‘in the act’ and of course the ‘nice’ and gullible Manu would have to be involved. Manu had actually locked his door and hid in his own home, checking outside his door several times before making a clean escape to the park. The park was empty, except for a few kids and their mom’s at one corner of the park, playing on the swings, and at that time of the day most people found it too hot to be taking a walk there anyway. Manu found himself a stone bench in the shade, and took in the sound of silence… as he made himself comfortable… ‘SWOOOSHHH’… he heard something swing from a tree suddenly, brushing against several leaves as it did that… he looked up and the sun blinded him momentarily until he saw what had broken the silence once again. A little monkey, swinging from one tree to another, landing gracefully on the boundary wall of the park. Their eyes met briefly and Manu remembered the guava he had slipped into his kurta pocket as he escaped the confines of his home. That was his breakfast, but then again Manu with the heart of gold (tired heart now)… wanted to give it to the little monkey. He took out the fruit and lured the monkey to him and soon the furry devil was sitting next to him chomping away at the guava, while Manu watched with glee.

Manu took the monkey home, because he had realized his search for a pet began and ended in the park that morning. But what was surprising was that the monkey let him! In a week they were inseparable, and after a quick visit to the vet, who was shocked and slightly displeased at his choice of pet, deviating so much from socially accepted animals…they were coexisting beautifully. Manu had found a great pet, a friend and negativity repellant all in one monkey…who he called Monkey! Silly as it was…it was an endearing name... and he seemed to respond, so it worked!

Monkey inspired Manu enough to finish writing a play he had been working on… and the play ‘Who’s got my knife?’ went on to get rave reviews…

Manu was thinking about his next play… he needed a killer idea… something he would be able to build around the beautiful girl he had met at the restaurant...a day had passed since they met, and she had not called, but Manu did not want to lose hope, he would find her! But see, Manu was going to get a little help from his monkey friend; he just did not know it yet!

Monkey had the habit of going off on little adventures, he would come back of course, and never caused any damage (not really anyway), but he did scare people just a bit. And he definitely was attracted to any object that was food, resembled food, or anything that caught the light and would appear shiny...

So while Manu was lost in thought…Monkey was off to play…he let himself out through a window, and Manu enjoyed being in denial about the danger the little monkey would be in each time he went out, so according to Manu, Monkey never left the house without him.

Monkey decided he had had enough of Manu’s boring building. The building next door had so many shiny objects to lure his attention, and Monkey was off swinging in the direction on one particular balcony. Sunday morning’s were lazy and slow anyways, so nobody noticed Monkey (by the way he had a collar and a bell on it too) swing to ‘Magnolia’, to that third floor balcony… belonging to the pretty lady who had not so long ago caught the attention of his owner (some prefer ‘dad’, but that might be creepy for others)…Now this is not just what happens in movies people… there is no such thing as coincidence! Movies imitate life... and here was life…happening!

Kirtana was making her bed… singing to herself; she was going to pamper herself today, being a Sunday and all. She would do a home facial and the three of them would make a nice Sunday brunch and laze around and talk and eat…she was happy about not really doing much. Her attention was diverted all of a sudden; as she looked out of her balcony window… she did a double take. Sitting on the ledge was a little monkey, poking curiously at the mirror work top she had hung out to dry on her clothes line… she looked at him, but surprisingly he had not noticed her. She spotted his collar and bell, and figured this monkey probably belonged to someone. Something was written on his collar, but she could not read it from that distance. Finally he saw her… She thought he was the most adorable little monkey she had seen, and slowly she reached out to open her balcony door, to get closer to him. As she slid open the door… Monkey jumped at her, and Kit slipped, falling backwards with the surprise, and hit her head on the half open door. This week... Kirtana had fallen way too many times, literally and otherwise... poor poor Kitty!!

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No place Like home

Fish out of water...

It is amazing how home means different things to different people. And not just the physical space and how it looks, feels or smells… but the different responses it evokes in those who live in them and the different emotions associated with belonging to a physical space. To some home is a neat and clean, place where comfort and simplicity are the obvious themes and being at home is as much an important and crucial activity in their lives as ‘going out’ as this serves as a clean escape from the world outside. For others home is a storage vessel, a place to distribute their personal belongings in no particular order or manner, and use the space to accumulate their lifetime’s worth of personal effects with no actual attention paid to how the clutter is a reflection of their own dealings with life. For still others their homes are a reflection of themselves... and anyone who will know them will see how every wall, every drape, every useless vase…will be a small chunk of the inhabitant’s personality and that home is not just where the heart is, but the body and soul too…

Some come home and feel nothing… it’s just four walls and a few memories, nothing moves them! For others it’s a place where life happens, but you can participate in your pajamas or old track pants...where chipping walls and rickety tables, worn out carpets and broken lamp shades are part of creating the character of the home. And each and every item has a place in your memories…home means everything and nothing depending on who you are and why you are there… and also on who you come to share it with. And home is where you define yourself…and launch that into the world…

Kirtana was thinking this… as she sipped her cup of tea, still under the covers of her bed. Unwilling to embrace the day just yet… she loved that quilt she had over her, and her bed had been in her family for three generations. She had been thinking of her own home, and how she felt safe and free from judgment in here. No one could make her feel like she was not good enough in here. Here she ruled supreme. And then there was Maliha… a different home every 6 months. Shifting from place to place and with each place came the mixed bag of sentiments in each house… how did she keep at it? How could she uproot herself each time, or adjust to unfamiliar territory each time… that took either complete disregard for her surroundings or a detachment process that worked in seconds, she took the words ‘ out of sight out of mind..’ too seriously perhaps! But Mali was not that type. There was more there. Kit would investigate!

Kirtana was thinking of the mad guy she had met the day before, yes he had seemed interesting, that Manu! She refused to think about Karan. He had been a waste of time before, and this occasion had just served as a well timed reminder! Good riddance to bad rubbish she had thought last night as she took a cab home! She was embarrassed though...she had been all dressed up and had come on time, only to be stood up. So yes she was feeling sorry for herself!

Maliha entered her room, unannounced and sat herself on the bed… she too was sipping some sort of hot beverage, but it smelt different as Kit noted. She started…”let’s go to the airport…remember a friend I had told you about? Well he lands here today, and we just HAVE to go get him. He is so going to love meeting you!!...let’s go let’s go let’s go…” she repeated herself excitedly! “We can drive to the airport!”

In a record time of 20 minutes Mali and Kit got ready, and left the house, and took the long drive to the airport. The air was cool, and they put the windows down. With the wind in their hair they looked as though they might have been going on some sort of road trip… well maybe, considering how far the airport was.

An hour and half later, they were there!! Just in time. The flight Raghav was in had landed about half an hour ago, and soon he would be out. Kirtana said “you know we should have made some sort of sign with his name on it... He could spot us easily then..” she said.. finding her own suggestion silly! Mali spoke...” Ummm oh I don’t think I mentioned…. But Raghav’s blind Kit. He has been since he was four. Signs like that probably wouldn’t work, he’ll get some help getting out, and we’ll scream out to him nice and loudly so he ‘sees’ us...”. Kirtana gulped...She did not have anything against what she had just heard… but she had never actually met someone visually impaired before… she was nervous about how she would behave with him!!

Mali was about twenty steps ahead of her by now, shouting and waving to get the attention of a boy she had spotted… by the time Kit got there, they were locked in a big hug… they looked like siblings!

They got back to the car, after a round of slightly awkward yet warm introductions, and soon they were back on their way home…

Kirtana would find out… much like how she had been thinking earlier that day…Raghav had found comfort in his home, he had been able to find peace with his blindness in his home as a young boy, and had familiarized himself to the smells and sounds and feeling of his home and associated his memories of his childhood to that home in that way… but now he was struggling to make a life of his own…Finding it difficult to make new memories and new associations because as much as he was the life of any place, it was because he was overcompensating for feeling so lost, by being so seemingly happy. He needed to redefine what anchored him to his own life, and he needed to understand again what made him feel at home… in his own skin, in his own dark yet beautiful world... And he had come to the right place!

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Being kind.. time to rewind!

Note From the Author

To get my readers up to speed, let’s do a quick recap, (cue recap music, and montage of recent events in the story... lol) this is to figure out who is who and where they are at. SO.. Maliha has entered Kirtana’s life and Kirtana has swept Manu (the tattoed, witty playwright) off his feet but not exactly in the way you would think. Meanwhile Rita and Max (members of Manu’s cast of the play “Who’s got my Knife..”) were last seen fighting over noodles (ridiculous no?). Then there’s the gypsy-ish heart throb angel (who has her moments) Maliha who has now entered the lives of Jagan, two unnamed neighbours of Kirtana and Raghav. Raghav… ah Raghav, he and Mira met on a plane, exchanged words and peanuts, and it looks like life might have taken a surprising turn for the boy who sees more than he knows he does.And then there’s Anish and Karan… pesky men. Karan (old flame)… Anish (for whom Maliha holds a torch...gag). and oh Karan never showed up for dinner that night of the play.. So you can guess Kirtana feels pretty lousy right now.Mira (another tattooed character…maybe too many tattoos in this story) our bald headed Bio engineer… well has a past, and it’s not the best kind.. let’s read and see. Hope you’re all caught up now…Love to the readers.

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The ice broke above the clouds...

9. Obviously...

Raghav fastened his seat belt. He had been assisted through the airport and to the plane by a volunteer on the student support services group on his campus. The volunteer was also a friend of Raghav’s and was sad to see him go. They said their goodbyes, and Raghav promised him that this was only for a little while, and of course they would be in touch.

So there he was fastened in his seat, on a long plane journey back home, to go meet Maliha and figure out why he had been feeling so lost off late. Why he was hating his impairment and why he was angry. He felt denied, he felt cheated and he felt that it was time he faced his issues and embraced his life the way Mali promised she would help him with. He had that sculpture in his bag...he could feel its form and he pictured how it might look in his mind. The announcements on the plane came and the plane moved slowly towards the runway…preparing for take-off. Raghav had been a little nervous about flying the first time, it was a long duration, and he had to sit and do nothing. He could listen to music, while the others watched the in-flight entertainment, and he had been a little afraid of the turbulence and the closed feeling of the cabin. He got over that, quickly. He had had a great week and his mind had been temporarily lifted out of the depression that was creeping in.

Now he sat as the plane took off, at a window seat, leaning his head back and counting to 500. This was how long he thought the plane took to take off and reach cruising altitudes. His counting was interrupted...’’Hello...”

Her voice was husky and she sounded Indian. He could hear the sound of her bangles clang together as she fidgeted with the arm rest. He had not paid any attention to who was sitting next to him until just now. “Hi…” he said. “ I’m a nervous flyer too, I could see your lips moving as the plane was taking off… saying a little prayer, huh?” she smiled. “Uh, well no… I was counting. It helps me focus on that and not be nervous about the take off!... you should try it..” he smiled too. “I’m Raghav…and you?”

“Mira…I’m Mira” she repeated herself. They both talked a little more mostly about what they each did. Mira was a science student, doing her masters in Bio Engineering. They went to the same university, but their paths had not crossed till now, obviously because they studied two very different things. She looked at Raghav’s eyebrow piercing, and laughed…laughed not because he looked silly, but because he was probably one of the few people she knew who looked good with it, but did not know it!

“So…Raghav… why are you headed home? A holiday or something more?”.. Mira asked. Raghav thought for a minute, he was not about to tell her everything…but he did like having someone his own age to talk to. Especially someone who sounded as interesting as she did…“I’m going home because I decided I need a little break from my course right now, plus I want to do some research and thought where better to start than a place like India, a place where psychology is meaningless to most people”… he giggled a bit.

They spoke about obvious things after that, their life at the university, and about the sort of things they each missed about being at home. It was pleasant, and simple and effortless and Mira found herself enjoying his company. She did have this tiny aching question at the back of her mind, but everything she had been taught about some questions crossing the line told her not to give in to that part of her brain. Plus it was not a big deal to her.

Raghav felt he had to try to take the words out of her mouth. He said...”So you are probably wondering... A blind guy studying psychology? A little bit like “preaching to the choir” huh... I probably have enough of my own issues to “see” or deal with anyone else’s?” he said … drawing the words out slowly, so that he did not sound too cynical or accusing. Mira stared…”Well yes, the thought crossed my mind, but I did not really want an answer. I don’t judge you because you are blind so don’t assume that’s the only thing I want to know about you Raghav! I won’t lie, I did think about it, but not because I want some sort of justification from you, I just figured you look a little lost, so you need help finding yourself or something!”

There was a moment of awkwardness… Mira was smiling, Raghav could not tell. He said…”Okay I’m sorry, I should not have been so defensive, I guess we’ve officially broken the ice!”… Mira laughed!

“ So what else do you do with yourself Raghav… apart from jumping off planes and camping in the rain!!”

“ Mira… I’ve spoken a lot, how about you tell me a little more about yourself… I’m a great listener” he winked!

“Okay so let me tell you things you probably would not be able to guess about me! … so I play in an alternative jazz band at the university. I learnt to play the flute as a kid, and picked up the saxophone too, so joining the blues band was an obvious move. Except our band is a slightly odd one if I say so myself. We all shaved our heads…yes… and before each performance we each paint ourselves in glow in the dark paint and play alternative jazz in the dark!! By alternative I mean it’s up tempo and mellow all at the same time and the lead singers sing in Hindustani classical and English! We call ourselves the ‘Neo Neelas’… it’s our dedication to our collective Indian roots... ‘New Blues’. We’ve played at least 20 gigs this year, so it’s been great. So yeah imagine a bald girl in her twenties, with a lizard tattoo on the back of her neck, who studies in the Science department and wears a lab coat and goggles five times a week and spends long hours in a lab, but can play a mean sax”… she laughed…” I also work a few hours at the photo centre everyday”

“wow… how…how…obvious rebellious of you!! Do you think maybe you are trying too hard??!” he laughed…clearing making a joke at her expense…she threw a few peanuts at him, the flight attendant had been nice enough to give them a dozen packets of the stuff…”I’m not trying to be anything I’m not.. I’ll have you know, and what talk is this coming from a guy who did every ‘adventurous’ thing he knows in one week… think you’ve really live huh?” she retorted…Nobody made jokes about Raghav... but she did, and he felt great about it!! He tried to imagine what she looked like…somehow he did not jump to any conclusions despite her self-description.

The rest of the journey was spent in talking more about what they each liked, did not like, did or did not do… and time flew as quickly as the plane did to their home country. Soon enough the flight was getting ready to descend and they were getting ready to disembark once the plane landed. Mira and Raghav, got off the plane together. They stepped out into the cool, morning air of the Indian city they both called home and the cool air stuck to their faces as they walked down the stairs to board the airplane shuttle…

After the regular airport related activities they were at the exit, ready to be received by their ‘people’ on the other side. They had enjoyed talking to one another, and this was definitely a friendship in the making, they would meet again soon and Mira would be in Raghav’s life as though she had always been in it… Raghav heard the familiar voice of his childhood from not long ago..”Raghav.. Here! It’s me! Here dummy…” she shouted happily and playfully… Mali was beaming…

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Under his nose..

8. Stone’s throw...

What happened next is something out of a movie…. Not a good one, but never the less some movie! Kirtana had gotten a call from an old classmate of her’s, a guy named Karan, who she had gone out with in college, but was one of those relationships that felt like a sham to begin with, so they split amicably. He was in town on some work and had bumped into Anish today, who he happened to know, and they had gotten talking and one topic lead to another… and he got Kit’s phone number. They spoke for half an hour, mostly about what had been happening in each other’s lives since college days and Maliha was left to figure out where everything was in the kitchen to get dinner ready!

Karan went on to invite Kit to dinner the next day, and Kit said she would get back to him; she would have to check her schedule she had said. The conversation ended soon after, and Kit could not help but feel some residual 'feelings' she had for this Karan, the boy of her college girl heart. She also felt happy that Anish had met her ex, it made her more interesting...and could even make him…a little jealous? If that made any sense! What had she been thinking though…to go out with him? She wondered for a few seconds, before Mali, cut right through that thought cloud… “Kit!! Dinner… hope you like over salted dal, it’s my specialty!”…she laughed. “So who was the mystery caller that had you all wound up…did I hear you say you would have to check your schedule for something? I thought you did not take calls from work after 8?”

“Is that what I sounded like? Like I was talking to a client?” Kit was mildly insulted. Just how did one talk to old college boyfriends you speak to after four years… She did however push through the little blow to her ego and tell Mali about Karan. Mali’s response was predictable to say the least! She said.. “So go? What’s the big deal? At least go to see if he has become fat or bald or even worse…better looking?!” she laughed. “Come on Kitty, give Karan another chance” she winked. Kit laughed too, she went back to her thoughts, and added another… “Why was Mali so persuasive, and how did it work so easily on her…” She would just have to give in.

She called Karan back; they would meet at the Thai place. The same night Mali was going to a play? Mali had a social life in this city in a matter of two days, what would she do in a few months?

The next day, Mali went off for the play. She had made friends with some of Kit’s neighbours and two of the guys were totally fascinated with her lifestyle. They had hit it off so well, that the three were going for the play that night. Kirtana was left with her closet full of clothes, and nothing to wear for her ‘date’ and it was driving her crazy. She finally settled on a blue silk, and got dressed.

(Back at the restaurant where the story of Manu the playwright had begun)…Kirtana looked at Manu. Manu blinked at Kirtana. She got up, took two steps back and said… “Excuse me??” Manu got up. He had been on his knees, for two minutes but it seemed longer. “I’m sorry to take you by surprise, but you are beautiful… I had my eyes on you since you walked in.”

Kit was a little violated and flattered all at once. “I’m not sure you handle you drinks too well, is this some drunken advance?? I’ll have you arrested!”…said Kit in shrill and defensive tone.” Wow, relax there; I’ve had nothing to drink. And let me explain, I am a playwright and director. I just thought you moved like a dancer, and are so ravishing, that to do my next play without you would be career suicide…” he said dramatically…Classic Manu!

“Ravishing…stunning?? I think you need to relax… I am not going to fall for cheap flattery! What do you want?” said Kirtana, rudely but leaving room for a response. “Here’s my number… call me on Monday, please! I’ll explain then… I can tell you are waiting for someone…I won’t keep you any longer. Please call…oh and watch my play!” he handed her a flyer. This was what Mali had gone for…She remembered the premise and title! So this guy was for real. She would have to think about calling him!

Manu woke up the next day, tired and cranky. He had stayed up most of the night thinking about his next play. He needed a story, a line of thought… but nothing. He was frustrated… he needed some inspiration. And the girl in blue had been it. He had just given her his card, but did not even know her name or if she would call. He did know that his next play would be about a dancer…he made himself a cup of coffee, and stood out on his balcony. The sun had risen an hour ago and the sky had a warm glow with small clusters of clouds. The sunlight felt comforting on Manu’s tattooed arms… he was looking at the lawn below. The gardener was going about his work, oblivious to the spectator above on the 6^th floor. Manu could smell the rain from last night… he closed his eyes and took it all in. He needed an idea… and he needed the mystery lady in blue to call… he wanted her to..

Right across from his building Kirtana was just getting up in her bedroom… her date had stood her up! And she had been angry about the disaster the week had been…except of course…the arrival of Mali…This Saturday she had plans… to stay in bed, pull the covers over her head and hide from life! Would she succeed?...

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How this story works..part two

So in a lot of stories there always is a gradual build up from introducing the main characters, establishing the relationships and elaborating on the plot, before it reaches the crux of the story and then finishes. I intend to keep that formula, but add my own flavour to this.. so read, and yes there will be more character introduction chapters, I'll get deeper into the story soon :)

Apart from this, I have decided to keep the names of cities a mystery. I will probably never mention the name of a city specifically, because when you do that, you have to be factually correct, and that might take away from the story on a blog :) so the only things I will ever write about specifically are my characters and what happens to them. The 'where' part will be appropriately described :) and will leave you guessing ;)

Behind this title...

So if you are reading this (thank you!) you are probably wondering what this blog title is about. Why a seemingly normal girl (if you know me or have read my profile) would choose to title her blog so. Well, I can explain it this way. As I see it pretty much everything and everyone around me , and for that matter you, is driven by one of these two sentiments. So no matter what I will ever talk about, it will always come down to something that was done to go after happiness or satisfaction or just not! It is my idea of simplifying the way I think of thoughts (yes think of thoughts), actions, intentions behind anything. And I am one for 'word plays'. So yes I like that my blog can sound like something (a book) we are already familiar with :)

So in this blog I will share with you a story I am writing.. its a story where the characters , events and situations are all derived from my own life. Enjoy :) and I would like your help and suggestions in building this story.. :)

Understand that this story is not true, its just an escape.. and completely a figment of my imagination :)